week 39.. Last week... HOPEFULLY

Somehow, against all odds, my doctors prediction and my prediction.. I have made it to 39 weeks. I am not exactly ready to have him yet, but I am ready to not be pregnant. That probably makes no sense at all, but it does to me! I am not looking forward to the process of birthing him.. especially because he has made it to full term and god only knows how big he could potentially be. That head alone has been measuring far bigger than average the entire time.. so yay for me, my hips and my vagina! Things will never be the same!

I went to bed Friday night with contractions. They got intense for awhile and then fizzled out. The same thing happened both Saturday and Sunday. We tried walking, having sex, and even made Scallinis Eggplant Parmasean.. famous for sending women into labor within 48 hours. I was really feeling like things were getting started but have sort of fizzled out.

I am extra annoyed with everyone right now. Zach let his family know we may be heading in soon and while everyone means well, I feel so much pressure and added anxiety to know that we have so many people waiting around on us. We got bombarded with texts throughout the day asking the status and what was going on.. I couldnt help but feel defeated and annoyed with my body and lots of extra anxiety to make something happen. But, I do know that he will come when he is ready and just kind of want to be left alone until the time comes.

Now, here I sit at work Monday morning with the same questions over and over and I am ready to break down in tears in annoyance!!!! I dont know when hes coming, I dont know why he isnt here yet. I do know I feel like my body is preparing for labor with pre labor contractions, but we could still sit like this for another week! He isnt even due for another week. I know the next time we have a baby, I will tell everyone his due date is like 2 months later than what it really is. I cannot explain in words the anticipation and nerveousness you feel at 39 weeks pregnant knowing that literally any day or even minute you could be heading in to the hospital to have your baby. You feel all of this without the added pressure from outsiders and once they start with their questions and comments, it is very hard not to feel annoyed and so very frustrated. I am literally biting my tongue trying to force a half way decent reply when people start with their smart comments about why I am still pregnant. I want nothing more than to stomp my feet, scream at them really loud and then go hide under the covers in my bed with no connection to the outside world until its time to have my baby!!!!!!

Next is the nesting question- which is so unbelievably annoying to me right now!!!! Ill mention in general convo that I cleaned the house over the weekend and everyone has to comment "oh, your nesting.. must be coming soon ya know?" yeah, I do fucking know.. hes due in a week. I am pregnant and have been cleaning every weekend because what the fuck else am I going to do!?!? Yes, we go to dinner and movies, but really... I am not traveling, I am not going out, I barely see my friends.. so I clean.. not because I am building a fucking nest but because I have nothing else to do and actually.. I enjoy it..that and grocery shopping soothe me!  And as far as the nesting theory... fucking stupid. If my mother is coming to town on a weekend..I frantically clean my house for her arrival..so why the fuck wouldnt I clean my house for the arrival of my baby!? So what, I build a nest for my mother..thats what the theory basically says, right!? Wrong.. I clean because I am civilized and when you have company you should have a clean house. Maybe its last minute instinct for some women, but for me..I have been cleaning my entire pregnancy in preparation for our guest! So stop the bullshit about instinct and that frantically cleaning means your about to go into labor..if that were true, he would have been here at 7 weeks.

There is another side to this nesting though... everytime my contractions start, Zach starts frantically pacing the house and trying to help put it together incase we have to head to the hospital. He even pulled out the vacuum on Saturday!!! It was really sweet to see him so worked up and trying to do everything eh could to help me stay calm and relax! So yeah, Zach maybe gets the nesting bug when he gets nervous.. me? fuck that nest theory.

Lastly, symptoms. Ya know, its crazy because I feel pretty great. My heartburn has subsided the last few weeks (probably because I eat 20 tums a day), I have a good amount of energy and I just feel very calm and content...minus the pressure from EVERYONE else! Dont get me wrong, I am ready, but I am not freaking out praying for it to be over. I go to the doctor tomorrow and being that we are one week away from my due date, we will probably talk induction if he doesnt come on his own. My doctor really thinks I will go into labor on my own, but who knows! I love a schedule and a plan and I am ok with inducing if he doesnt show up a few days past his due date. I love 1/23/13 as a birthday and will push for that if I get an induction date!

I am very numb to how I feel about being a mom- when I am nervous or unsure about something I generally have no feelings towards it at all. I know that will change, but I am very late with emotions. I really cant tell how I feel until I am in the moment. I am excited and love him beyond belief already, but there is just so much I am unsure about! How will I handle caring for something so small and helpless? Will he like me? Will I like HIM!? Will we transition easy into parenthood? There is just so much you are unsure about when becoming a parent. I honestly try not to think about it and just plan to go with it... so heres to the next chapter of our life and just rolling with it!!