4 months

  Finley just turned 4 months old on Saturday May 11. I cannot believe he is 4 months old already!! He had his 4 month doctor appointment and we are so blessed that he is so healthy! He is growing like a weed, weighs 19 pounds and is 27 inches long! He is in the 95 percentile for both height and weight! The doctor laughed and asked what we were feeding that boy, but I swear its just regular ole enfamil! I quit breastfeeding at 3 1/2 months. I had some signs of PPD and needed to be on an antidepressant. The doctors say it is safe to take an antidepressant and breastfeed, but doing research, a small amount of the antidepressant does get into the breat milk and I was not comfortable with that. I dont think a baby has any business having drugs in their tiny system! I really should have started an antidepressant much earlier than I did, but I wanted to do what was best for Finleys developement, so I really pushed myself and kept breastfeeding. The last month was really hard on me. I cried a lot, felt tired and moody all the time, didnt feel like myself and felt very disconnected! It was a really hard time for me, the hormones were really tough on my mental state. I couldnt seem to get out of the rut I was in. Some days were fine and others were awful. I would feel so numb and disconnected. After having to miss a few days of work, Zach and I made the decision to quit breastfeeding all together. I did my best, but was really struggling and needed to be on some medicine to help. Its so crazy though because I felt SO GUILTY about quitting! I just felt that I should sacrifice my sanity for my baby so he gets the best possible nutrition! However, looking back, that was the hormones talking! Here I am two weeks later and feel better than I have in a LONG time! I am happy and feel healthy and normal again and I think that is just as important! A crazy momma isnt good for anyone!

Finley is doing wonderful! He is the best baby! He is always so calm and content and happy! He has been rolling over since he was a little younger than 3 months, but now its like his trick! We put him on his back and he puts those little legs up in the air and flips himself over! Its so cute! His new thing is blowing bubbles with his spit! Pretty gross, but he seems quite entertained by it! He babbles all the time and at night, he starts talking really loud!! It almost sounds like he is upset, but he is just talkin away! We just started cereal last week! He LOVES it! He is pretty good at being spoon fed! He opens that little mouth and takes the cereal down! The doctor is letting us start stage 1 baby food this week! Zach is playing in the Byron Nelson golf tournament this week, so when he gets home, Finley will get his first meal! I am so excited!!

Finley is still a great sleeper! Typically, he sleeps 7-8 hours. He goes down between 9-10 and usually wakes up around 4 am for a bottle, then he is right back to sleep! We have been putting him down to sleep in his crib since 3 months and so far so good! He is such a laid back baby, he adapts well to whatever we do! Once he wakes up for his bottle, we usually just let him stay in the bed with us! Selfish on my part because I just love having him right next to me!!

Kristen, Finleys nanny is working out great! Zach and I love her! I feel so spoiled! She cooks and cleans and just adores our Finley! It makes it really easy for me to be at work all day! I come home to a clean house, dinner cooked and a happy baby! I may never quit working!!!

All and all, life is wonderful! Zach and I have a wonderful relationship. He is doing great and has really shown how much he cares about his family! I wouldnt trade my life for anything in the whole world! It is my definition of perfect!

3 months old!

Where has the time gone!? Finley is 3 months old today! I just started back to work last Wednesday and it was sooo hard to leave him! Zach and I interviewed a lady named Amy to care for Finley while I went back to work. It was a rough week to say the least. Zach and I ended up hating her. She was weird and mousy and very immature. She got homesick and even brought a stuffed animal to the house... not for the baby, for HERSELF! She was creepy and we fired her the first week. Zachs mom was kind enough to take Finley this week while we interviewed more nannys. We found a girl named Kristin who we just adore! She will start with us on Tuesday and we really have a good feeling about her! Right now, Zach has Mondays off with Finley so we have full time care for him at home Tuesday through Friday. I am really looking forward to the day I can just stay home more with Finley and work maybe part time. Zach is looking at getting a big promotion in the next year, where he will be a field service representative. Financially, we could afford for me to stay home when he takes this job! Now, we wont be vacationing to the carribean every year, but we will have Finley taken care of the best way we know, which is by his parents and in his home! Day care is just not an option for us, we thought we would be fine sending him, but once he was born it all changed! I couldnt imagine bringing that sweet baby to a daycare where one lady has 4 other kids to watch. I just envisioned him crying and no one to get him because they were busy with another baby! So, we are paying about double what we would for a nanny as opposed to daycare, but to me, its worht it!

Now, onto our prize! Mr Finley! He is such a sweet baby! He is smiling ALL the time, but hasnt laughed yet! We know its coming soon though because he opens that mouth so wide and smiles, but nothing comes out! He really is such a happy baby! We have taken him to the condo twice now and even took him to North Carolina..by plane when he was 2 months old! He was perfect on the flight.. didnt make a peep! We had a blast in North Carolina, visiting Zachs family for the week and traveled to boone mountain for the day!

Finley weighs 16 pounds right now. He is a big, healthy boy! He hasnt been sick yet and I am just dreading the day he gets his first cold or a little virus! He is babbling all the time right now and loves when you mimic him, he will hold a conversation forever! He also loves looking at the tv, he is just mesmerized by it! He is such a strong little thing, too! He loves when we help him stand up and he loves laying on his belly and lifting that big ole head up! He has amazed us from day one, when he lifted that head in the hospital!

We are just in love with this baby boy and look forward to every single day with him!

Identity crisis

Don't get me wrong, I love everything about being a mom and adore my child more than I ever knew possible and I don't think you truly know what love is until you have a baby. I am not sure what's happened to me though! My life has changed so much so fast that its left me confused on who I am!!! I lived a shallow little life inside a bubble before Finley- I enjoyed nice things, nice dinners, having few responsibilities, socializing and traveling when we could! Now my days consist of feeding and changing a baby. I barely get breakfast or lunch most days and don't even realize it until its almost dinner! He comes first so naturally that I forget about myself. This is perfectly fine until its time to socialize. I get so excited to get out for a few hours, but find myself with little to talk about. I have nothing to say except stuff about the day time tv I watch and the cute noises and coos my baby makes! Unless my friends want to hear about feeding and changing diapers and looking at hundreds of pictures, I have nothing to talk about. I don't care about clothes,shopping,traveling...it's all about my tiny little baby right now. It's fine by me, but I am totally self conscious because I know no one but Zach really wants to hear it! It's easier talking to pregnant friends and definitely friends with babies, but single friends with no children are very hard to relate to right now. Their life is interesting to me, but I know the opposite isn't true so I just get awkward and don't want to talk at all!!!! My friends with kids assure me this will pass, but for now it's an identity crisis! The flood of hormones can't help the situation,but I find myself lately questioning who the hell I am, how a mom is supposed to behave and just when will I care about Chanel jewelry or a trip to the Bahamas again!? I am content but my old self would slap my new self in the face and make me drink until I couldn't talk! Oh we'll, I guess with time comes some balance but for now its just feeding, changing, watching and loving on the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Our birth story to two weeks with Finley!

Wow has our life changed! On Wednesday January 9th I had my weekly doctor appointment. Some tests showed that finless heart rate had dropped a bit which meant he was in some distress. My doctor suggested we induce Friday the 11th. While inducing was something I wanted to avoid, it seemed medically necessary so I agreed... And was really excited! Zach and I went to dinner that night and were so happy to know our baby would be here so soon! We both took off work Thursday to prepare all of our last minute things! I was full of emotion on Thursday... Excited, nervous and very anxious. Friday morning came super fast. I didn't sleep a wink Thursday night. We had to be at the hospital at 5 am and started induction around 6. Everything went so smooth. I was so worried about the pitocin because I had read some women don't tolerate it well. I was lucky, the pitocin didn't bother me at all. I started to feel the pitocin induced contractions about an hour into it and got some fentanyl to help with pain. Around 8 am my doctor came in an broke my water. It hurt a bit but was so quick that I didn't have time to even complain, but talk about gross,,, for hours it felt like I was peeing my pants!!! I soaked through like ten towels and ten pee pads... Who would have known there would be soooo much water!!! The rest of my day was uneventful. I got the epidural at 5 cm... I was barely in pain, but didn't want to wait until I was doubled over before I found relief. The epidural was nothing..just a small pinch. Although Zach says it looked awful!! My blood pressure plummeted shortly after the epidural and I felt pretty bad! I was so dizzy and sick. They gave me oxygen and had me lay on my left side. It took about 30 minutes and then I was getting better. Most of the day was pretty foggy, we had so many visitors and I was really moody,tired and hungry. Though I didn't complain much! My doctor came in around 6 and checked me. I was at 8 cm but he was still pretty high. By this point I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, had my blood pressure plummet, and had low iron. Tired was an understatement! My doctor and I decided to go ahead with a c section. I was prepped and taken back around 620. My entire body was numb and I was shaking from all the drugs and nerves! I remember Zach coming in and watching the procedure so intently but the faces he made had me even more nervous and I had to ask him to focus on me because making faces freaked me out! I was trying not to even think about what was going on!!!! No part of the surgery hurt. I felt a big tug and his head was out! He cried immediately and peed all over me! The doctor brought him over and he was screaming and big and pink and perfect! I was so overcome with emotion that I could hardly process my feelings. Zach was able to take him immediately and I had to be stitched up. About 30 minutes later I was reunited with my baby boy. We tried breast feeding and he was such a natural, he really did great! I stayed in the hospital for 3 nights and Finley did not leave my side! There was no way that baby was going to sleep in a nursery with strangers! He was a good sleeper from birth and I even fit in trouble because he slept for 6 hours! The aftermath of the c section was pretty awful for about 3 days. I was dine taking pain meds after a week and even started walking 2 weeks post surgery. I had lost 15 of the 23 pounds I gained before we even left the hospital!                         I am finishing this post 1 month post finleys birth and it has been the best month of our lives. He is the best baby. Zach and I kept waiting for things to get difficult and so far, we are still waiting! He eats and sleeps and rarely cries except to let us know he is hungry or gassy but if he's fed he's typically perfectly content! He loves the car and even took a 4 hour road trip to the beach... And slept the whole way! He typically sleeps in 3 to 4 hour spans at night and 2-3 during the day. He was breasted for the first 2 weeks exclusively and then I added pumped breast milk by bottle a few times a day at 2 weeks. At one month I started giving him a 2 oz bottle of infamil before bed and he sleeps like a rock! He is one month and becoming more alert everyday and we swear he gets cuter every day he wakes up! He is starting to smile more and very occasional babbles though its more of a grunt! I am laying in bed next to Zach on valentines day and we have him in bed right next o us where he has slept since he has come home! Our life has changed so much but I can't imagine it any other way. I am so thankful for thus beautiful baby and love every day with him. Some days are tough and I have cried once or twice but it is all worth it. I wouldn't trade this journey and our life for anything in the world!

week 39.. Last week... HOPEFULLY

Somehow, against all odds, my doctors prediction and my prediction.. I have made it to 39 weeks. I am not exactly ready to have him yet, but I am ready to not be pregnant. That probably makes no sense at all, but it does to me! I am not looking forward to the process of birthing him.. especially because he has made it to full term and god only knows how big he could potentially be. That head alone has been measuring far bigger than average the entire time.. so yay for me, my hips and my vagina! Things will never be the same!

I went to bed Friday night with contractions. They got intense for awhile and then fizzled out. The same thing happened both Saturday and Sunday. We tried walking, having sex, and even made Scallinis Eggplant Parmasean.. famous for sending women into labor within 48 hours. I was really feeling like things were getting started but have sort of fizzled out.

I am extra annoyed with everyone right now. Zach let his family know we may be heading in soon and while everyone means well, I feel so much pressure and added anxiety to know that we have so many people waiting around on us. We got bombarded with texts throughout the day asking the status and what was going on.. I couldnt help but feel defeated and annoyed with my body and lots of extra anxiety to make something happen. But, I do know that he will come when he is ready and just kind of want to be left alone until the time comes.

Now, here I sit at work Monday morning with the same questions over and over and I am ready to break down in tears in annoyance!!!! I dont know when hes coming, I dont know why he isnt here yet. I do know I feel like my body is preparing for labor with pre labor contractions, but we could still sit like this for another week! He isnt even due for another week. I know the next time we have a baby, I will tell everyone his due date is like 2 months later than what it really is. I cannot explain in words the anticipation and nerveousness you feel at 39 weeks pregnant knowing that literally any day or even minute you could be heading in to the hospital to have your baby. You feel all of this without the added pressure from outsiders and once they start with their questions and comments, it is very hard not to feel annoyed and so very frustrated. I am literally biting my tongue trying to force a half way decent reply when people start with their smart comments about why I am still pregnant. I want nothing more than to stomp my feet, scream at them really loud and then go hide under the covers in my bed with no connection to the outside world until its time to have my baby!!!!!!

Next is the nesting question- which is so unbelievably annoying to me right now!!!! Ill mention in general convo that I cleaned the house over the weekend and everyone has to comment "oh, your nesting.. must be coming soon ya know?" yeah, I do fucking know.. hes due in a week. I am pregnant and have been cleaning every weekend because what the fuck else am I going to do!?!? Yes, we go to dinner and movies, but really... I am not traveling, I am not going out, I barely see my friends.. so I clean.. not because I am building a fucking nest but because I have nothing else to do and actually.. I enjoy it..that and grocery shopping soothe me!  And as far as the nesting theory... fucking stupid. If my mother is coming to town on a weekend..I frantically clean my house for her arrival..so why the fuck wouldnt I clean my house for the arrival of my baby!? So what, I build a nest for my mother..thats what the theory basically says, right!? Wrong.. I clean because I am civilized and when you have company you should have a clean house. Maybe its last minute instinct for some women, but for me..I have been cleaning my entire pregnancy in preparation for our guest! So stop the bullshit about instinct and that frantically cleaning means your about to go into labor..if that were true, he would have been here at 7 weeks.

There is another side to this nesting though... everytime my contractions start, Zach starts frantically pacing the house and trying to help put it together incase we have to head to the hospital. He even pulled out the vacuum on Saturday!!! It was really sweet to see him so worked up and trying to do everything eh could to help me stay calm and relax! So yeah, Zach maybe gets the nesting bug when he gets nervous.. me? fuck that nest theory.

Lastly, symptoms. Ya know, its crazy because I feel pretty great. My heartburn has subsided the last few weeks (probably because I eat 20 tums a day), I have a good amount of energy and I just feel very calm and content...minus the pressure from EVERYONE else! Dont get me wrong, I am ready, but I am not freaking out praying for it to be over. I go to the doctor tomorrow and being that we are one week away from my due date, we will probably talk induction if he doesnt come on his own. My doctor really thinks I will go into labor on my own, but who knows! I love a schedule and a plan and I am ok with inducing if he doesnt show up a few days past his due date. I love 1/23/13 as a birthday and will push for that if I get an induction date!

I am very numb to how I feel about being a mom- when I am nervous or unsure about something I generally have no feelings towards it at all. I know that will change, but I am very late with emotions. I really cant tell how I feel until I am in the moment. I am excited and love him beyond belief already, but there is just so much I am unsure about! How will I handle caring for something so small and helpless? Will he like me? Will I like HIM!? Will we transition easy into parenthood? There is just so much you are unsure about when becoming a parent. I honestly try not to think about it and just plan to go with it... so heres to the next chapter of our life and just rolling with it!!