Identity crisis

Don't get me wrong, I love everything about being a mom and adore my child more than I ever knew possible and I don't think you truly know what love is until you have a baby. I am not sure what's happened to me though! My life has changed so much so fast that its left me confused on who I am!!! I lived a shallow little life inside a bubble before Finley- I enjoyed nice things, nice dinners, having few responsibilities, socializing and traveling when we could! Now my days consist of feeding and changing a baby. I barely get breakfast or lunch most days and don't even realize it until its almost dinner! He comes first so naturally that I forget about myself. This is perfectly fine until its time to socialize. I get so excited to get out for a few hours, but find myself with little to talk about. I have nothing to say except stuff about the day time tv I watch and the cute noises and coos my baby makes! Unless my friends want to hear about feeding and changing diapers and looking at hundreds of pictures, I have nothing to talk about. I don't care about clothes,shopping,traveling...it's all about my tiny little baby right now. It's fine by me, but I am totally self conscious because I know no one but Zach really wants to hear it! It's easier talking to pregnant friends and definitely friends with babies, but single friends with no children are very hard to relate to right now. Their life is interesting to me, but I know the opposite isn't true so I just get awkward and don't want to talk at all!!!! My friends with kids assure me this will pass, but for now it's an identity crisis! The flood of hormones can't help the situation,but I find myself lately questioning who the hell I am, how a mom is supposed to behave and just when will I care about Chanel jewelry or a trip to the Bahamas again!? I am content but my old self would slap my new self in the face and make me drink until I couldn't talk! Oh we'll, I guess with time comes some balance but for now its just feeding, changing, watching and loving on the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Our birth story to two weeks with Finley!

Wow has our life changed! On Wednesday January 9th I had my weekly doctor appointment. Some tests showed that finless heart rate had dropped a bit which meant he was in some distress. My doctor suggested we induce Friday the 11th. While inducing was something I wanted to avoid, it seemed medically necessary so I agreed... And was really excited! Zach and I went to dinner that night and were so happy to know our baby would be here so soon! We both took off work Thursday to prepare all of our last minute things! I was full of emotion on Thursday... Excited, nervous and very anxious. Friday morning came super fast. I didn't sleep a wink Thursday night. We had to be at the hospital at 5 am and started induction around 6. Everything went so smooth. I was so worried about the pitocin because I had read some women don't tolerate it well. I was lucky, the pitocin didn't bother me at all. I started to feel the pitocin induced contractions about an hour into it and got some fentanyl to help with pain. Around 8 am my doctor came in an broke my water. It hurt a bit but was so quick that I didn't have time to even complain, but talk about gross,,, for hours it felt like I was peeing my pants!!! I soaked through like ten towels and ten pee pads... Who would have known there would be soooo much water!!! The rest of my day was uneventful. I got the epidural at 5 cm... I was barely in pain, but didn't want to wait until I was doubled over before I found relief. The epidural was nothing..just a small pinch. Although Zach says it looked awful!! My blood pressure plummeted shortly after the epidural and I felt pretty bad! I was so dizzy and sick. They gave me oxygen and had me lay on my left side. It took about 30 minutes and then I was getting better. Most of the day was pretty foggy, we had so many visitors and I was really moody,tired and hungry. Though I didn't complain much! My doctor came in around 6 and checked me. I was at 8 cm but he was still pretty high. By this point I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, had my blood pressure plummet, and had low iron. Tired was an understatement! My doctor and I decided to go ahead with a c section. I was prepped and taken back around 620. My entire body was numb and I was shaking from all the drugs and nerves! I remember Zach coming in and watching the procedure so intently but the faces he made had me even more nervous and I had to ask him to focus on me because making faces freaked me out! I was trying not to even think about what was going on!!!! No part of the surgery hurt. I felt a big tug and his head was out! He cried immediately and peed all over me! The doctor brought him over and he was screaming and big and pink and perfect! I was so overcome with emotion that I could hardly process my feelings. Zach was able to take him immediately and I had to be stitched up. About 30 minutes later I was reunited with my baby boy. We tried breast feeding and he was such a natural, he really did great! I stayed in the hospital for 3 nights and Finley did not leave my side! There was no way that baby was going to sleep in a nursery with strangers! He was a good sleeper from birth and I even fit in trouble because he slept for 6 hours! The aftermath of the c section was pretty awful for about 3 days. I was dine taking pain meds after a week and even started walking 2 weeks post surgery. I had lost 15 of the 23 pounds I gained before we even left the hospital!                         I am finishing this post 1 month post finleys birth and it has been the best month of our lives. He is the best baby. Zach and I kept waiting for things to get difficult and so far, we are still waiting! He eats and sleeps and rarely cries except to let us know he is hungry or gassy but if he's fed he's typically perfectly content! He loves the car and even took a 4 hour road trip to the beach... And slept the whole way! He typically sleeps in 3 to 4 hour spans at night and 2-3 during the day. He was breasted for the first 2 weeks exclusively and then I added pumped breast milk by bottle a few times a day at 2 weeks. At one month I started giving him a 2 oz bottle of infamil before bed and he sleeps like a rock! He is one month and becoming more alert everyday and we swear he gets cuter every day he wakes up! He is starting to smile more and very occasional babbles though its more of a grunt! I am laying in bed next to Zach on valentines day and we have him in bed right next o us where he has slept since he has come home! Our life has changed so much but I can't imagine it any other way. I am so thankful for thus beautiful baby and love every day with him. Some days are tough and I have cried once or twice but it is all worth it. I wouldn't trade this journey and our life for anything in the world!